High Risk Appt.....

Austin had his first high risk appointment yesterday.  The doctor said he looks pretty good.  We were, overall, pleased with the visit... even though we were there for just under 4 hours.  YEP 4 hours!!!!  They did assure us that not all visits are that long.  I was impressed with Austin during this time.  He was awake and alert and did not fuss-- until, of course, they had to draw blood for some labs. 

Austin is doing well with his development in most areas.  As far as the doctor and OT see things, he is on point and doing great in that area.  He still is not doing great with feeds.  We have now begun Zantac and beneprotein.  He did gain weight, but not as much as they would have liked to see, and are wondering if his reflux is playing a part in him not taking good, full feeds.  Although he gets volume on the day, he is fighting a lot when eating, thus burning the calories.  Hoping some of the tips given to me help to straighten this out  The beneprotein is to give him a boost on growth - weight and length.

Although Austins airways sound great, he is still working pretty hard to breath, thus anticipating oxygen for a while longer.  I didn't expect them to say anything different on that end.  I know he's not ready to begin to ween.  He just works so hard to breath during feeds, after baths, if he's just cried... quite sad.

Over all, I am very happy with where Austin is.  He is communicating with us so much.  He is so full of personality.  Always smiling and babbling with us!  He has begun to try to control his movements, and this is so fun!  I call it the herky jerky's.  LOL

I have had a rough few days emotionally.  I don't really know why.  I just feel so sad for him sometimes.  I just wish it were easier for him.  I mean, the feedings are not enjoyable 75% of the time.  And add in a hard time breathing.... It just breaks my heart so.  I am also having a lot of "not fair" feelings lately.  I am just surrounded by so many others with babies born around the same time Austin was or was due.  Its hard to see it so easy for them, sometimes.  And its hard not to compare.... "So so is doing this....." .... Although Austin is almost 6 months old, he's developmentally only 2 1/2 months old, and sometimes it is hard to remember this.  I know I cannot compare him to a full term baby, but when its in my face all the time, I cant help it. 

I also get tired of hearing, "oh its probably just like having a newborn home".  No.  No its not.  Its much more worrisome and stressful.  I have to administer meds, measure every feed, track each and everything he does.  I do not ever have a moment of ease from this situation.  I worry more so than a new mom.  I worry about each cough... is it his normal pulmonary cough, or is it a cold.  I have to check his respiratory rate throughout the day to be sure he isn't in respiratory distress. I can not feed him when he is started to cry, i have to get to him before hand because other wise he will choke, bc he is breathing too quick to swallow.  I have to hold him and the bottle at certain angles when feeding him, bc his prematurity has caused a "hit" to his suck, swallow, breath development.  IT IS NOTHING LIKE HAVING A NEWBORN HOME. 

I sometimes just cant smile when I see a full term baby doing all these great things.  It honestly makes me mad.  I know that this is completely and totally not right.  I know I should be happy for them.  I know this.  But I don't feel it. 

I am so elated to have Austin home, and we have so much fun!  I am so excited with the new things he seems to be doing each day.  I hope we get this feeding thing figured out!  We will!!!!