Our little Miracle

Our little Miracle
"And the Child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon him." ~Luke 2:40

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Windows (and too much rambling from me)

Austin has been doing very well with his windows on the nasal cannula.  He is doing two hour windows, twice a day, and so far so good!  I love this time with him.  I get to look at his entire face, with nothing blocking any part of his face!  Its so fabulous.  He is so alert and awake anymore.  I love it. 

Its very hard for me to think about him being just this way, but in utero.  He has developed and grown so much.  It's crazy to think he should still be inside of me.... so weird.  He doesn't learn to eat until after he is well on the cannula full time, so we have some time, but I think he'll do well.  He sucks away on the pacifier!!!  When he is hungry he is rooting towards anything that comes close to his face, and if I'm holding him, my chest.  Its funny.  He also starts the sucking motions. 


Today I just stared at him forever.  I got to hold him for the entire two hour period.  I'm sure this is foreign to most parents.... but I am so excited about holding him for that length of time.  You have to understand, I still have to ask if its okay to hold my baby.... I still need "help" getting him out of the crib.... I still have to wait for care time to change his diaper.... I still have to keep him from turning his head when he wants to because he has an apparatus sticking out of his nose.... UNTIL now, my time for holding him was limited.  YES- TIME LIMITS to hold my own baby.  So yes, two hours means the world to me.  (my time is still limited since his care is every three hours... but I can hold him the hours in between) This means FULL TIME is coming soon, though!  He is making moves in the right direction!!!!  I hope and pray he continues to do well. 

I stare and stare and stare at him.... always so amazed.  Today I just began to tear up while staring at this beautiful child.  He has been through so much.  I have yet to have felt sorry for myself in this situation... I am not sad for myself one bit.... BUT I do feel so bad for him.  He has to work so hard just to breath.  I cant imagine how miserable it is to have the CPAP on him constantly.  I cant imagine having to be "handled" by some many different people, all the time.  I cant imagine having to have my mouth and nose suctioned out every three hours.  Getting heel sticks ever so often.... having my blood pressure and temperature taken every three hours...  and when he accidentally forgets to to take a breath for a few seconds, he gets his feet pinched or his back beaten (basically).  I just couldn't imagine having to go through so much, just to live.  These thoughts make me sad for him.  Life is supposed to be so easy when you're a baby. Its not supposed to get difficult until your first heart break (whats that age 15 - lol).... but sweet little Austin... his life has been difficult since day one.  He has had to fight day in and day out.  It just hurts my heart sometimes.  Here is this innocent, most perfect little baby, and he struggles and fights everyday to keep on going.  Its amazing, yes... but sometimes it breaks my heart.  He loves life so much already, that he keeps on fighting.  I hope this world is good to him. 

He is so beautiful.  I lay my head on the edge of his crib with the side down, eye level with him and just stare.  He has breath takingly beautiful LONG eyelashes.  His little nose.   A perfect profile.  He is angelic.  More so than any baby I have ever seen.  When he is awake, he is searching his surroundings.  He hears my voice and follows it until he's found me.  I know every newborn does this, but with him, its just.....i dunno.... I cant describe this feeling... I know he should live a normal life, bc thus far there is no reason for any of us to believe he should have any problems, considering the brain scans are all normal... and this little act of following and recognizing my voice, helps me to know that those scans are right.  He doesn't seem empty at all...  he is so full of so much life..... and he came so early.  I love him.

I know bringing home seems so far away, but its also right around the corner.  I anticipate he'll come home with some "extra care", like on oxygen.  That's okay.  I can handle that.  I just don't want him to have an episode here at home.  I cant imagine having to give my baby CPR.  That is what I have high anxiety over.  I know they wouldn't release him if they believe he could have an episode like that...  I have to stop thinking about that.  He's going to be perfect... he already is.  

I really wish I could capture my view of him and his profile....  I keep trying to get a picture of it, the perfect angel and all.... I just haven't been able to.  I will keep trying though, I think his beauty would bring you all to tears. 

I cant believe I've used this blog to ramble so much.... Maybe I needed to...  Well, Austin is still doing awesome!  He makes my world go round... along with his older brother and his pretty awesome daddy!  Life is good!

Thanks for all your love, support and prayers.  As always!



  1. My baby didn't go through near what Austin has been through but we did spent 9 days in the NICU. I felt like I was visiting someone else's baby. He belonged to the nurses in the NICU and I was allowed to visit. That's how I felt (he had a brain bleed that caused apnea). He was sent home on an apnea monitor and while I understand your fear, honestly, that monitor was the best thing that could have happened. I was able to sleep at night knowing that if something happened, the monitor would go off. It never did and he's a fine, healthy 2 1/2 year old. I know 9 days can't compare with the amount of time you've spent there but I just wanted to tell you I understand. It's hard. But you're almost there and sounds like he's doing great!

  2. You guys are all doing great! He is a fighter and I truly believe he has an amazing life ahead of him. Keep going, he will be home before you know know! Austin we all cheer for you!

    FEB 12 Mama