Our little Miracle

Our little Miracle
"And the Child grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon him." ~Luke 2:40

Monday, January 16, 2012

Time is slowing down

I feel like time is now moving in slow motion....

Friday, January 13, 2012

Austin was switched to a high flow nasal cannula from the CPap.  This was done for more comfort and it helps in a lot of cases of CLD when weaning the babies off of "pressure/flow" support.  I was not real keen on the idea, because he does not like change too well, and because he was doing great just the way they were doing things, but because of some miscommunication on the hospitals end, when I had arrived to talk about this possible switch, voice my opinions and ask my questions, the switch had already been made to high flow.  Can't go backwards and although I was not happy about being overstepped, I can only hope he does well... and the concept makes since and seems like he would do well, and I get to see his face all the time and pick him up whenever I want!

Austin seemed to be doing so well.  He was alert and happy.  I had a great day with him.  AND THEN... as I was feeding him (still through feeding tube) and chatting with his nurse T, he refluxed and choked on it.  He was choking and trying so hard to get it down and breath.  BUT because he is just at the gestational age for when they develop this skill (suck, swallow, breath), he didn't do so well, and could not correct this "problem" on his own.  Nurse T was suctioning out his nose and mouth ...  nothing.   His oxygen sats were dropping and his HR was dropping... he was choking....  The RT rushed over to help... giving breaths to him (bagging him).  I was pinching his feet and T was working at sucking out the feed so he didn't spit up and aspirate into his lungs..... His numbers weren't coming up.  He was turning the darkest blue/purple I'd ever seen.  His feet.... I couldn't stop looking at how purple his feet were, and then he went limp, and his bowels released.... "Get the doctors!!!"... the RT says.   His HR was at 52 and not moving... his O2's were at 1. The RT gave two chest compressions and his HR shot up in the 60's and started to climb... he was coming back up but he needed to take that breath.  Nurse T whacked him one and he took that breath.  His color started to come back, yet paler than his norm.  I picked him up and started rocking him and talking to him.... comforting him.  I was calm and praying the entire episode.  I think its from a mix of shock and - what good will it do them if I'm freaking out.  I can say that this is something NO ONE should ever have to witness. EVER.  I still haven't fallen asleep without that image in my head.  He's fine now.  Immediately after the episode, he was fine.  I was sick to my stomach and shaken to my core.  I asked nurse T, "how long do you allow that to go before you call in a crash cart (jump start his heart cart)... she said she was about 5 seconds away from calling one in.  ...............          ...............       ..........   I literally was watching my baby choke to death... but GOD has plans for him, and that is not one of them.  I couldn't leave for hours after the ordeal... until he opened his eyes and stared into mine as to say, "I'm okay mommy".  I will not go into how emotional and what type of thoughts this had brought about, because my husband is right.  HE IS FINE now and I can not take that episode away, no, but I need to refocus on the present and the future.  He is fine.  Austin is good.

Saturday, a day of rest and rest alone for Austin.  I didn't sleep the night before and tried my hardest to stay in bed as late as I could, but rest- it wasn't going to happen for me.  

Sunday, Austin is back on the CPap.  He started to breath very heavy too often, just working too hard to breath--so he is back to the CPap.  The thing about this that frustrates me is this....  we are now back at square one with the windowing process.  If you add up the time he windowed, the time he was on high flow, and the time of rest before we start back up... we've lost like 9 or so days.....  I cant help but feel like if they would have waited to talk to me and heard me out, this set back wouldn't have presented itself, because he wouldn't have been switched unless needed.   BUT again, one of those things you can not go back in time and fix....  so refocus.... PRESENT and FUTURE.

I'm not going to lie.  I am spent.   One word sums it all up for me.... emotionally, physically, mentally......  I am purely EXHAUSTED.  We have been here for 10 1/2 weeks.  And the end is not as close as I would like it to be.  Window process takes so much time and he still needs to learn to eat... with out the set back we were aiming to get him home by the end of Feb.  With the set back that date may have bumped back to sometime in March.  I do not want him  to come home until HE is ready....but.......    I don't know.  I know Austin and his little body and his immature and damaged lungs will go at the pace they need, not the pace we want.  He is in control, and I am okay with that.  I just really want to lay in bed and stare at him all day long.

Many blessings everyday....  time is all this sweet baby needs.... time.... to develop and grow....  time .
and he is okay.  he is fine.  he will continue to be fine. he is alive and breathing and doing great. austin is great.

Austin is 2460grams = 5lbs 6oz.... 17 1/4 inches long.  He is satting in the low 90's and has been between 25%-30% over night and this morning.  My husband is down there with him now, and my older son and I are cleaning the house, and then off to the movies.  Much needed mommy son time!

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers.


  1. Andrea and Scott,
    Thoughts and prayers are always with you. You two are doing an amazing job. Even Drew is being an awesome, loving big brother. May God keep blessing you with the powerful strength you need. HE definitely has plans for your little miracle Austin.
    Love and prayers, Aunt Anne

  2. Thinking of you and your little one. Hang in there!